Pictures

Most of you on Facebook may have noticed the retro thing going on with people’s profile pictures. Well considering how many dozens photo albums and picture boxes I have stocked full of millions of pictures, I thought it would be fun to pull out some old pictures, scan them and then tag all my old school friends. But instead I ended up spending an entire evening pouring through every single photo album and photo box I own.

I have pictures that of course begin with me as a baby, my childhood, teen years and into the years my husband and I were dating, our wedding and of course there were tons of both pregnancies and the kids all the way through now. My mind is kind of racing full of all the memories. It’s so weird to look back and see how much I’ve grown and changed. And even weirder to see how much the kids have grown and changed. I swear it was just yesterday that they were born. Then again I would’ve sworn that it was only yesterday that I got married or graduated high school…

There were so many pictures that just took me back. Friends and family that have long since passed away, friends that are still in my life today. So many people and so many memories.

Nothing puts your life into a sharper focus then looking back over your life in pictures. It reminds you of where you come from and who you are. It also reminded me of just how fast my babies are growing and that I should take time to slow down and smell the roses with them more often.

My dad took this picture when I was in elementary school. He told me to picture the woman I’d be when I was 30 and to say hi to that woman. And now here I am, 32, looking at that same picture, saying hi back to that girl I once was.

I never did scan any pictures and upload them to Facebook. Maybe tomorrow…

My Peanut Butter

(Originally written) Sunday, March 25, 2007

Do you know that song, She’s Got A Way by Billy Joel? Ever since I was a little girl I have loved this song. I would daydream that someday I would meet a man and he would feel this away about me. But ever since the day Allen and I decided to start a family, this song completley became about something, or someone totally different. This song isn’t a traditional love song to me anymore. It never will be. Because for me, whenever I hear this song, I think of Cheyanne’s first night home from the hospital. Well her first night home from the hospital, and every day since then. Right up until a little while ago when I kissed her goodnight. And she smiled and said “Love you mommy”. My little peanut butter. My little Cheyanne. My princess.
I think the biggest difference in being mother to a daughter, is that it makes you truly strive to be a better woman. Respecting myself, treating myself with dignity, being proud of myself inside and out, and taking pride in everything that is being a woman is so much more important. Not just because I deserve to, but because she deserves to. Every heartbreak, every mistake, every friend that screws her over, every test she fails, every guy that never calls, or even every guy that won’t stop calling, school, marriage, motherhood, the way she deals with all of it, well is going to be based on how I show her how to deal with it. The woman she becomes tomorrow is going to be a direct result of the woman I am today. I’m not sure why it is exactly, but a woman has much more to answer to when raising a daughter. Maybe because men have a tendency to not deal with childhood issues too much, but man, a pissed off daughter will tell you exactly where you failed as a mom. If that realization doesn’t get me to ease up on my own drama queen tendencies, I don’t know what will. Anyway, happy 2nd birthday to my peanut butter (don’t ask, it’s her given nickname…) on Wednesday.
“She’s got a light around her, And everywhere she goes a million dreams of love surround her, Everywhere” -Billy Joel

Reflections On My Baby’s 4th Birthday

Originally written on Tuesday, March 20, 2007

So here I go with my first “blog”.

On Thursday my little boy turns 4. I guess I am just so filled with emotion that I figured it would be a good time to reflect on my little man. Some of you may or may not know how hard we tried to have a baby. After a number of miscarriages, in the deepest part of my soul the seed of fear had been planted that we may never be able to have children.

So when we got pregnant with Patrick we just couldn’t find it in ourselves to be happy. We were scared to death, that the moment we let ourselves be happy, we would lose him. Then we got through the first part of our pregnancy, and eagerly awaited results from all of our pre-natal testing to know for sure this pregnancy was going to be ok. I’ll never forget the day I got that phone call. I can still hear her voice on the phone, instead of telling me everything was ok, she simply said, “it’s when I get to make calls like this, that makes my job worth while”. I held back my tears and asked her if she meant everything was ok. and she said “yes…HE’S fine.’ My whole world changed with those exact words. “HE”S fine”. HE. HE, meaning my beautiful boy. My son. My dream, finally come true. Our dream.

I’ll skip ahead a few months to March 22, 2003. Giving birth was one of the most absolutley spiritual things I ever was a part of. 30 hours of labor with no epidural. I don’t think anything in my life will ever be as empowering as that. Nothing even comes close.

I am listening to In your Eyes right now. (It’s the song on my profile right now). The reason is because this song is exactly how I felt the first moment I looked into the blue eyes of my son. And how I felt in those very scary & intimidating first 2 weeks of motherhood. But as scary as those first 2 weeks were, it was amazing because everytime I looked into that boys’ eyes, I knew that my entire life had been leading to that moment. I knew that I wasn’t going to need to “learn” how to be a mother, because deep inside I already knew how. I already knew how to love him, how to care for him, and how to raise him to be the man I know he will someday be. I knew all that then, and know it still today, because everytime he looks up at me, with those eyes twinkling, his soul is telling mine, that he loves me, and trusts me to guide him where he needs to go.

Now he is about to turn 4, and I truly see glimpses of the man he’s going to become. He’s smart, funny, kind, compassionate, loving, and loyal. He is us, Allen and I. The best of both of us. He is what we waited for, hoped for, and dreamed of. He has made us love each other even more than we ever thought possible. Patrick truly came from love, and brought so more love into our life then we ever dreamed existed.

Thanks for reading.