I’m not a huge fan of roller coasters, but in my older agoe I’ve found myself more willing to step on one from time to time. I’m not sure why, because I don’t like them anymore then I did when I was younger. I hate the lack of control. It’s not just the lack on control you have on a roller coaster, it’s that the entire effect is making you FEEL as out of control as you possible can. Every picture of me riding a coaster with my kids in the last few years looks the same, me with my eyes closed and a fake smile on my mouth. Me, just letting the ride happen while I wait for it to be over.
This also sums up the last few months of life in general for me.
I feel like I’ve been in a state of eyes closed as life takes me on a number of twists and turns that are entirely to sharp and coming at me way to fast. I look forward to this ride coming to end, not life, just this particular chapter. I can feel it coming to a close I think, I hope. But it’s just been a lot. I feel like I was just starting to get to know myself again. I was happy with the chapter I was in. I wish I’d know it was coming to an end.
I suppose that’s why I’m trying to start writing on regular basis again. It seems that as long as I’ve been able to put a pen to paper It’s what I’ve wanted to do. So It draws me in when I’m not feeling connected to myself I guess. Is it connecting me now? I don’t know, but it feels good I guess. It feels like something I can control. Writing and running. The two things in my life that are controlled by me… mostly.
Over the last few days, I’ve had some moments. Running in the morning, connected to the earth. There is nothing but pure joy in that moment, when the air is quiet and cool, and the sun is soft and welcoming. So much so, I’ve almost felt a hint of fall. I know we’ve still got a way to go before this summer winds into fall, but in those moments. Those short instant tastes of it, my heart becomes full.
And for that brief moment beneath the morning sun with the cool breeze blowing across my sleepy face, I feel like me again.
Huh, this post didn’t go the way I intended it to, but why would it? Not now. Not today.
At any rate, fall I see you. I feel you. I know no matter how long this particular season is dragging on, fall will come. The leaves will fall and somewhere in those leaves I will be me again.